I have this white folder…
With these memories
I am finally willing to share them with you
I am not afraid anymore.
(…) They would sing once in a while
“You’re so hot, you’re so hot….!”
They’ld joke and burst out LAUGHING.
I would look at them and go away…
Then secretly start crying.
…As for the area I was in,
I decided to stay after doing quite some tests.
As for religion at the time
I was agnostic nearly atheist.
I was angry and revolved
At a lot of things in those times….
According to the notes on the folder
I had multiple breakdowns
More than what I used to remember out of this.
Some of the memories got blurry or lost.
Others were too much to be erased.
Note :
Now that I put the pieces together
I am starting to figure out stuff…
Depression…it already was walking
With me back then.
It only got more obvious after some events…
Piece :
(…) It was exausting, from telling me to disappear
To go away from the class until saying that
I was dumb because
I chose an instrument instead of another.
So…I ran away as fast as I could
As I didn’t wanted for anyone
To see me or even hear me.
To the bathroom. They were screaming my name…
I was crying…I closed the door of a cabin
When someone kicked the door hard.
I fell to the floor, crying even harder
(With pain…the door had hit me right in the head)
It was a small space in there…
The person who kicked the door lend a hand,
For me to get up.
I felt sleepy the rest of the day.
Another piece :
In total I slept four hours
And I feel like a rag …
(…) I’m ruining myself on the inside
And occasionally on the outside
When I don’t sleep or eat ;
…You don’t deserve to listen
Nor even read this because
Probably you expect so much more from me
And I’m trying and I don’t know
If it’ll be enough (…)
(…) To what I wrote to my bf (the ex)
And what he wrote me on the school paper
Someone added next to his name “boi” ,
Next to mine “feia” e torta
(ugly and “torta” = someone who does not walk straight])
And below both “casal do ano” (couple of the year) .
I was devastated, more than what I expected…
Blurry Memories :
I used to hate myself out
Of many things that people told me
I used to hurt myself in many ways…
When I didn’t had blades,
I’ld dig my nails into my arm…
Anything to take the pain away.
Life Blog 