About the Blog / Sobre o Blog

[Português]
* O propósito deste blog
É ajudar e aconselhar quem precisar.
Ou apenas em caso de precisares de alguém que oiça.

* Como contactar…
– Apenas verifica a entrada de blog e comenta

* Eu falo português e sobretudo inglês
Um pouco de espanhol
E a aprender holandês.

* Por isso quando te sentires sozinho/a
Ou com necessidade de alguém que oiça ou aconselhe
Eu irei colocar um endereço de email aqui
(Só para isso)
No caso de não quereres expôr-te ao público.

NOTA IMPORTANTE :
Este blog não visa ser um substituto
de ajuda profissional.
Sou somente uma pessoa que gosta de ajudar,
ouvir e dar alguns conselhos.

——————————–

[English]
* The purpose of this blog is :
To help and advice whoever needs.
Or just in case you need someone to listen.

* How to contact…
– Just check the blog post and comment

* I speak portuguese and mostly english
A bit of spanish.
And learning dutch.

* So, when you feel alone
Or in need for someone to listen or advice
Just check it and leave a comment
I’ll put a email adress there (just for that)
In case you don’t want to expose in public

IMPORTANT NOTE : Blog is not a replacement
For professional help.
I’m just a person who likes to help,
Listen and to give some advices.

Chapter Three

I have this white folder…
With these memories
I am finally willing to share them with you
I am not afraid anymore.

(…) They would sing once in a while
“You’re so hot, you’re so hot….!”
They’ld joke and burst out LAUGHING.
I would look at them and go away…
Then secretly start crying.

…As for the area I was in,
I decided to stay after doing quite some tests.
As for religion at the time
I was agnostic nearly atheist.
I was angry and revolved
At a lot of things in those times….

According to the notes on the folder
I had multiple breakdowns
More than what I used to remember out of this.
Some of the memories got blurry or lost.
Others were too much to be erased.

Note :
Now that I put the pieces together
I am starting to figure out stuff…
Depression…it already was walking
With me back then.
It only got more obvious after some events…

Piece :
(…) It was exausting, from telling me to disappear
To go away from the class until saying that
I was dumb because
I chose an instrument instead of another.

So…I ran away as fast as I could
As I didn’t wanted for anyone
To see me or even hear me.
To the bathroom. They were screaming my name…
I was crying…I closed the door of a cabin
When someone kicked the door hard.
I fell to the floor, crying even harder
(With pain…the door had hit me right in the head)
It was a small space in there…
The person who kicked the door lend a hand,
For me to get up.
I felt sleepy the rest of the day.

Another piece :
In total I slept four hours
And I feel like a rag …
(…) I’m ruining myself on the inside
And occasionally on the outside
When I don’t sleep or eat ;
…You don’t deserve to listen
Nor even read this because
Probably you expect so much more from me
And I’m trying and I don’t know
If it’ll be enough (…)

(…) To what I wrote to my bf (the ex)
And what he wrote me on the school paper
Someone added next to his name “boi” ,
Next to mine “feia” e torta
(ugly and “torta” = someone who does not walk straight])
And below both “casal do ano” (couple of the year) .
I was devastated, more than what I expected…

Blurry Memories :
I used to hate myself out
Of many things that people told me
I used to hurt myself in many ways…
When I didn’t had blades,
I’ld dig my nails into my arm…
Anything to take the pain away.

Chapter One

School was tough.
Well let’s be specific, people were.
Many times I wanted to skip class…but I couldn’t.
In that time I had suicidal thoughts already on 9th grade
(Due to that day when
I was nearly beaten up at the bus stop)

Through out the years….
The thoughts stood there.
I thought pessimistic
Was a part of my personality.

Oh lord. It.just.wasn’t!
Don’t convince yourself of that like I did……
Like people made me saw constantly…

Flaws!
And that’s how my “self consciousness”
Was badly born.
Don’t go for the same mistake…do not listen

Try to embrace your imperfections
And your so called flaws seen
and pointed by others.
Someone out there loves you or will love you.
Or will at least accept you. (L)

Self Injury I

The Beginning…
I’ve been a self injurer since my 10th grade…
Currently I’m out of highschool.

I still remember how it started.
This one night and me with a pocket knife in my hands…
…Another night alone
And feeling left out…
New school and I wasn’t “fitting in”.
I felt like I did not belong and like my Life…
It was falling appart…
I was not a popular girl,
Which made things rather hard.

(Guess we all go
through that once in a while,
now that I look into it)

At that time I had threats of people…
That they would take me to the hospital.
Did not stop me. Although bracelets
And wristbands couldn’t hide it all the time.
The urge to cut was still there,
The knife was still with me at the time.

“I felt like nothing was in place,
Not even myself
Or my commited
but really troubled relationship at the time “.

…Why am I telling this?

It eases me…
And for whoever that reads this,
I don’t know if you can somehow relate or not

– I sincerely hope in a part “not”
Because I wouldn’t like
Or even want anyone
To go through this sort of things.

– If you can…
Take your time to read….
Spread the word.
Start changing…or at least helping.

Another thought
I saw a video about a person who used to cut
It made me think about….

* If I have someone by my side…
A love, a partner, other half
How would I tell him what I’ve done to myself
Over the years ?
How would he react to seeing marks
Scars even , in my body ?

* If I have a child or two
How would I answer the curious questions
Of how the scars shown up
Or on what happened…
On what I had done and why I had done it.

Wouldn’t be good for them to know
That his/her mom was a cutter.
Wouldn’t be good, as children
See their parents as their role model…

But now read this carefully,
I made a lot of crap.
I’ve cut and still have relapses.
I still have breakdowns, I will not lie
BUT one thing is for sure :

My to-be child will have support
She or he will not be alone ;
Because school can be tough
Unlike what many people think.
Some people don’t even take it seriously
The ones who know are probably
Who went through those things.

I don’t know
If you agree with me on this one…

But I know it,
So I’ll be at least speaking for myself.
Because I understand!
And no, just because I was
or maybe still am a self injurer.

Does not mean the child will follow that.
In fact my family had a big impact on me
When it came to try to stop.
Believe me, they are the ones
Who are hurt the most.
And last, but not least…
I will protect whoever I love
Or prevent anything bad of happening
I don’t intend on failing in this one.

And listening…?
It may have more of an effect
Than what people think.